Loneliness and isolation can be the underpinnings of many illnesses. Thankfully our society is waking up to this stark truth and various initiatives are addressing the problem.
For instance, the launch of Silver Line founded by Esther Rantzen is a confidential 24 hour help line whereby people of our older generation can pick up the phone and chat with someone in the comfort of their own home. This is a wonderful step in the right direction and can be used whenever and wherever people wish.
Of course, nothing can substitute human contact, so other groups of people are also seeking to help. Age UK in North Norfolk run a volunteer home visit service that is worth checking out.
There are many groups popping up like this all over the UK. They offer services such as one to one visits, group services and wider community engagement. The national charity ‘Contact the Elderly’ offers plenty of services on their webpage.
However, for some, it is hard to accept that they are no longer as strong and independent as they used to be. As such they would not dream of asking for help and it is these people whom we particularly need to be aware of. Sometimes relatives and friends can get the ball rolling. We can all visit someone and spend a little bit of time actually talking. Not just doing a few jobs, but asking questions and learning about their lives. Listening to people’s stories helps strengthen their self-worth and they begin to feel valuable again.
The more we do this, the greater impact we can have on helping someone feel better. In so doing, there is a stronger chance that they will feel inclined to join in other social opportunities and expand their days for the better.
We all lead such busy lives, but if we’re honest a lot of our time is spent looking at a screen a little too much. It is far more rewarding to chat with someone, it’s surprising what we can learn from people’s life experiences.
Loneliness and isolation
Feelings of loneliness happen to us all at some time or another and this is normal. The saying safety in numbers is highly accurate in evolutionary terms, as living in communities was synonymous with survival. This is why loneliness and social isolation can make us feel unsafe.
Today we still need people around us, but the kinds of relationships we need varies from person to person. It is important to recognise our needs because chronic loneliness is linked with the onset of some dementias including Alzheimer’s Disease, heart disease, depression, hypertension, tiredness through lack of sleep and more.
Research shows that men need a life partner, whereas women tend to need a wider circle social of friends. As we age, our world begins to shrink and our need for social contact increases, but is less likely. Living alone, illness, immobility, recent loss of a loved one, stuck in the house, hearing and sight impairment all exacerbate loneliness. This often leads to low self-worth and low self-esteem.
Good news
The good news is that we can do something about it. We can invite people over; we can share our talents and time by volunteering to help others. We can join groups. We can pick up the phone and chat to an old friend or someone we used to work with. Indeed we can also make new friends regardless of age. A blog in the Huffington Post offers five ways we can limit loneliness, it’s worth a read.
An interesting development is a helpline to support the elderly called Silver Line. Esther Rantzen is a trustee. One of the services they offer is a befriending service. This initiative is also being taken up by counties such as Kent Online.
If mobility is an issue, why not resurrect that wonderful old idea of having several pen pals? Even if our writing is a bit wobbly, we can still reach out and communicate.
Some people may need encouraging doing these things, so a gentle nudge and a bit of handholding can go a long way.
If you are lonely or know of someone who is, for the sake of good health and well being taking that first step may seem hard, but you won?t regret it. And it?s FUN!
FAQs
My mother keeps telling me she likes her own company, but when I visit she finds me jobs to do to keep me there. I think she?s lonelier than she makes out. What can I do?
This does sound as if your mother is lonelier than she admits doesn’t it? Can you encourage your mother to phone a few people for a chat? Or perhaps ask someone round for tea? Or could you take her to see a friend or relative one afternoon? It may also help if you could have a chat about it with other family members to see if they could schedule an extra visit.
The local authority, Age UK (in the UK) and private care companies all have people who just pop round for a chat. Of course you pay for this service, but it might be a way of getting your mother to meet someone new.
My father is quite deaf and doesn't join in when we all get together as a family. It's sad, but we tend to ignore him.
People who are deaf often feel isolated. It’s exhausting to try to hear people when hearing loss happens and even more so when there are groups of people all chatting at once. But there are things you can do to help your father. First always place him in the middle of people around the table. Make sure his back is to the window where the light shines through, this will mean that everyone’s face is bathed in the light, so that he has a greater chance of seeing to lip read and get clues from expressions on people’s faces.
Say his name before you speak to him. This will get his attention so that he hears the first word of the sentence. For instance: “may I have a cup of tea?” is very different to “I have a cup of tea.” If you say his name he has more chance of hearing the word “may”, so will be able to answer the question accurately.
If you are in a restaurant, sit away from the noise of the kitchen and make sure there are plenty of soft furnishings to help soften the acoustics.
It’s vital to pass this information onto the rest of your family. If everyone understands how to involve your father more, you will find he wants to join in. And remember, when he speaks always listen with warmth and a smile, so that he feels confident in contributing to the conversation.
A neighbour of mine has just lost her husband. I have been round there and told her to pop in if she needs anything, but she hasn't called. I don't want to impose, but do you think I should try again?
Yes, definitely try again. She probably doesn’t want to impose either and will undoubtedly think you are too busy with your own life to listen to her woes. She may need time to take you up on your invitation, so it will need to be gently reinforced. So pop round when you can, even if it’s just for half an hour. It’s also a good idea to find out if there are any jobs her husband used to do that she can’t manage. It’s these things that are very difficult to cope with when recently bereaved, so she may need to hire help, which you could give her a hand in organising.
The other day I saw a friend of mine, recently bereaved, walking towards me. I crossed the road to avoid her because I didn?t know what to say. You see, she has just lost one of her grown up children in a car accident. I now feel terrible that I didn?t give her my time.
Your reaction isn’t unusual. People react differently in times of bereavement. Some want to talk about it, others do not. This means that friends and family don’t always know what to do or say. The best thing to do is take a deep breath and go up to your friend the next time you see her. Tell her how sorry you are for her loss and ask how she is. The length of her answer may give you a clue as to whether she wants to talk about it or not. Sometimes just a gentle squeeze of her hand is all it takes to help her feel less alone.
Do it soon, because the longer you leave it the harder it will get.
Recommended reading
Five ways to limit loneliness
A blog from the Huffington Post
Befriending helpline
Sliver Line support for the elderly
Kent helpline
Kent adopt the befriending helpline